I'm so blessed...
Today was a "play date" for James at school. He's moving into the K4 group, and the teachers just wanted a chance to observe him in action and see how he interacts with the other kids and get an idea of which teach might be best for him.
(By the way, I realize that I haven't updated this blog in forever, but I do enough writing at work and school, that it's hard for me to get the motivation to do any creative writing. However today inspired me...)
Steph and I met at the school and were hanging out at a table in the front of the school when the kids walked in. They were so cute in their little line. I meant to ask what the heck was with many of them holding a fist to the top of their heads, and with their other hand they were holding their index finger to their lips. I can guess about the "Shhh" sign, but the fist on their head? James came around the corner and saw us, and immediately ran over to give us hugs. He chilled with us for about a minute, then the teachers started calling them over to sit on the floor.
I wasn't sure what James would do with us being there, but he was so good to listen to the teach and go sit down. After all the kids were seated, one of the teachers explained that they were going to go listen to a story, and color, and cut things out with scissors. I could tell James was interested and excited, but not so sure how he would respond with us being there.
I can't say that I was ever prouder than the moment he stood up and walked right in line when he was supposed to. I got a little sad that he didn't look back at us or run over for one last hug like he often does. But I realized at that moment that he's growing up, and he understands the rules at school.
While the kids were in the classroom doing their thing, we hung out in the front and talked with the principal about what to expect in the new classroom. Curriculum, discipline, etc. Steph was NOT thrilled at all about the fact that they will have to wear uniforms now -- that will really put a cramp in her styling of the boys, but I'm sure she'll find a way to make James look cool even with a school uniform!
After they came out, James came and sat with us for a couple of minutes, and it was time for me to get back to work. Another moment of fear for me, as I worried that James would freak out that we were going to leave him at school. But again, my little grown-up boy just said, "Nana and Papa are going to pick me up, and then you'll come get me later?" Yes, son, that is exactly what will happen, and you're starting to understand that Daddy always comes back...
Seems like such an insignificant event. He's only moving up one "level" in school. But that brief moment in time showed me so much about how much my boys are growing up. And it gave me a little relief that it seems like Steph and I are doing a pretty good job with these little fellas, in spite of the hectic pace of our lives, and the underlying fear that we're not doing all the things that "good parents" do. We are all running at a hundred miles a minute with work, my school, modeling, photography, keeping up a house, finding some way to make sure the boys eat relatively well, and everything else. Sometimes I feel a tinge of guilt for looking forward to the boys' bed time and worry that I'm not playing with them enough or just generally not spending enough time with them or that I'm too quick to anger when they fight or spill something or break something or don't listen.
But watching James be a little man at school today, while still running over to give me a hug and be happy to see me, made me realize that we're not failing on all fronts.
I often reflect on how blessed I am to have two beautiful, healthy boys -- who are ALL BOY, but still love me unconditionally and come hug me and snuggle up to me when things haven't gone so well with us in previous moments. (To put it lightly...) And I'm blessed to be married to Steph, who gives her all to me and the boys and puts up with all of my idiosyncrasies and the challenges we face every day, and still sticks around -- rolled eyes and all.
And then I think about my life over the past 25 or so years since I left home after high school. I lived life to the fullest as a single guy for most of that time. And I think about all of the directions that my life could have taken had I married this girl, or stayed married to that girl (ahem...) or taken this job or not left that job, or not made that move or this move, or any of the thousand micro-decisions I've made which spiraled around to the moment that I met Steph and we were blessed with James and Brodie.
I'm thankful for the heart-ache and difficulties and laughter that brought me to this point in time and firmly believe that everything I have done and every day of my life has been lived to get me to this one. Tomorrow I will wake up and be the father of THESE boys. All of the souls in the universe were swirling around in -- whatever place they come from -- and these two souls, James and Brodie, were waiting for me to take care of whatever I needed to take care of so that they, and only they, could show up in MY life. It's not poetic, but that's the only way for me to rationalize why I have been so blessed with these amazing boys, when I surely didn't deserve the overwhelming and unconditional love I receive from them every day.
